Viola Jokes

闪电和中提琴手的手指为何相同：从来不在同个地方按两次

怎样防止你的小提琴被盗 放在中提琴盒里

小提琴和中提琴的区别 中提琴烧得久一些 中提琴啤酒能装得多一些 你能给小提琴调音

我们都知道中提琴优于小提琴因为它烧得更久，不过为什么会烧得久呐 因为它通常都在盒子里

如何让一个中提琴声部演奏spiccato（跳弓） 在音符上都标solo

怎样让一个中提琴手演奏一段pianissimo tremolando（非常弱的颤音） 在音符上标solo

中提琴和棺材有什么区别 棺材里有死人

你会拿一个死掉的中提琴手怎么办 拖到声部后面一个位子上

中提琴和蹦床的区别 玩蹦床的时候要脱了鞋在上面跳

中提琴和洋葱的区别 剁碎（抨击）

中提琴的时候不会有人哭<——貌似双关吧

小二度的定义 两个中提琴一起演奏 ……【太恶毒了这个】

绝对音高的定义 不碰桶边的情况下成功将中提琴扔进垃圾桶

为什么中提琴会在别人屋外站很久 他们找不到钥匙，并且不知道什么时候该进

中提琴和缝纫女工的区别 缝纫女工会折褶边 ……【这个不太懂】

洗衣机和中提琴的区别 颤音

为什么很多人不假思索厌恶中提琴 省事儿

怎样辨别中提琴拉跑调了 弓子在动

卡农是怎样写出來的 两个中提琴试图齐奏一个段落

为什么拉中提琴会像尿裤子 两者都是悄无声息地给你温暖的赶脚……【好恶毒啊】

为什么中提琴的独奏像炸弹 等听到再想采取措施就为时已晚

为什么中提琴的独奏像早泄 因为等你知道要射，干啥都来不及了。。。【中提琴是有多不招人待见】

为什么中提琴手要把琴盒放在他们汽车的仪表板上 那样他们就能把车停在残疾人专用停车位上 要是有人把他们误认为是黑手党，他们至少还能留点面子

中提琴手为啥不玩躲猫猫 因为没人会想到去找他们

为什么中提琴手演奏的时候在笑 因为无知是一种幸福，并且这种无知不会伤害他们

为什么中提琴手不应该去登山 如果他们失踪了，恐怕很多年都不会有人发觉这一点

路边的死鬼和路中间被压碎的中提琴有什么区别 【这个不懂，求解】

怎样让小提琴听着像中提琴 坐在后面不演奏 低音区演奏（是说用G弦D弦吧），还一堆错音

把中提琴和女高音一块从悬崖上扔下去，哪个先落地？（两个答案） 答案1：中提琴。女高音半截会停下来问方向 答案2：管它的

一个指挥和一个中提琴站在路中间，你会先轧过哪个，为什么： 指挥，正事要紧，享乐再说

为什么中提琴喜欢恐怖主义分子 他们都跟弓法过不去（bowings谐音Boeings波音公司）

William Walton最受欢迎的中提琴协奏曲录音？ 缺少中提琴solo的录音版本（Music Minus One, 详解见wiki http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Music_Minus_One）

中提琴和诉讼案的相似之处 琴盒盖上和案子结束的时候，大家都会很开心 【case closed双关了】

中提琴的范围 【指声音传播的范围么？】 你脚能踢到的距离内

飞毛腿导弹与中提琴手的相似之处 都具攻击性和不准确性

为什么中提琴那么大只 只是视觉上的错觉。并非中提琴大只，而是中提琴手的脑袋太小了

链锯与中提琴的区别 如果非要的话，你在四重奏里也可以用用链锯的

音堆和弦（cluster chord）的定义 中提琴声部在C弦上演奏

为什么中提琴手看到《爱经》就坐立不安？ 看那些位置啊……【体位把位，傻傻分不清】

如果迷失在沙漠里，你打算怎么办？去找优秀的中提琴手，糟糕的中提琴手还是绿洲：糟糕的中提琴手。另外两个都是你臆想出來的

为什么你不应该开MINI Cooper载三个中提琴驶离悬崖 至少能和一个相处融洽 【问题原文用shouldn‘t, 没有错么？】

拧灯泡需要多少个中提琴手 一个也不用，都不够小

为什么看到有人提着中提琴盒进银行，大家就吓得要死 他们以为这人提的是机枪，并且可能真的会用它

中提琴声部里第一个位子和最后一个有何区别 差一拍 差半音

为什么你在数字录音碟中听不到中提琴 录音技术发展到如此先进地步，所有无关杂音都被自动剔除了

见识过中提琴手自夸能拉32分音符么 乐队里其余的人都不相信，所以他拉了一个以示证明……【一个...= =】

为什么中提琴在德语里叫 bratsche 因为你一屁股坐上去它就会发出那样的声音

为什么中提琴手后背插把刀就不能演奏了 因为他不能靠在椅背上了

中提琴最嫉妒什么乐器 竖琴。只要空弦拨拉拨拉就可以了

中提琴试奏的别名 刮刮乐…… 【槽点不太清楚】

如何让一打中提琴手齐奏 毙掉11个 毙掉所有的 谁他妈想要一打中提琴

纽约市最近一次犯罪陡升是 中提琴演奏会上的

中提琴手的脑细胞怎么死的 孤独而死

怎么称呼只有俩脑细胞的中提琴手 怀孕（有前途的）

为什么中提琴的脑子只有豆粒大 酗酒的过

做一炉巧克力豆曲奇需要多少个中提琴手 10个。一个和面糊，另外9个剥M&M豆

披头士和皇家爱乐乐团的中提琴声部有何共通点 二者自1970年之后就没在一起演过

最长的中提琴笑话 哈罗德在意大利

几个中提琴手在热水浴缸里该叫什么 蔬菜汤

听说过不跑调的中提琴手么 我也没听说过

国际中提琴大赛的主要要求是什么 按记忆持琴……【这个不明白】

为什么中提琴和手风琴结婚了 【Upward mobility 这个不清楚是什么】

如何将小提琴作品改成中提琴的 用一个小节劈成2个（拍子慢一倍）

为什么埋中提琴手只有地下三英寸深 再往下都是好人了

如何保证一个中提琴手不溺水 把你的脚从他脑袋上拿开

注：下面这个笑话德语讲很有趣，但翻成英语就不太好玩了 Was sind die drei Lagen auf der Bratsche? Erste Lage, Notlage, und Niederlage. 中提琴的三个把位？ 第一把位，紧急把位，挫败把位 ---------

How is lightning like a violist's fingers? Neither one strikes in the same place twice.

How do you keep your violin from getting stolen? Put it in a viola case

. What's the difference between a violin and a viola? The viola burns longer. The viola holds more beer. You can tune the violin.

We all know that a viola is better than a violin because it burns longer. But why does it burn longer? It's usually still in the case.

How do you get a viola section to play spiccato? Write a whole note with "solo" above it.

How do you get a violist to play a passage pianissimo tremolando? Mark it "solo."

What's the difference between a viola and a coffin? The coffin has the dead person on the inside.

What do you do with a dead violist? Move him back a desk.

What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline? You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

What's the difference between a viola and an onion? No one cries when you cut up a viola.

What's the definition of a minor second? Two violists playing in unison.

What's the definiton of "perfect pitch?" Throwing a viola into a dumpster without hitting the rim.

Why do violists stand for long periods outside people's houses? They can't find the key and they don't know when to come in.

What's the difference between a seamstress and a violist?The seamstress tucks up the frills.

What's the difference between a washing machine and a violist?Vibrato.

Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the viola? It saves time.

How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune? The bow is moving.

How was the canon invented? Two violists were trying to play the same passage together.

Why is playing the viola like peeing in your pants? They both give you a nice warm feeling without making any sound.

Why is a viola solo like a bomb? By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it.

Why is a viola solo like premature ejaculation? Because even when you know it's coming, there's nothing you can do about it.

Why do violists leave their instrument cases on the dashboards of their cars? So they can park in "handicapped" parking places. If someone mistakes them for mafia, they might get some respect.

Why don't violists play hide and seek? Because no one will look for them.

Why do violists smile when they play? Because ignorance is bliss and what they don't know can't hurt them.

Why shouldn't violists take up mountaineering? Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they're missing.

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a crushed viola in the road? Skid marks before the skunk.

How do you get a violin to sound like a viola? Sit in the back and don't play. Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes. If you throw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first? (two answers) The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions. Who cares?

A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why? The conductor. Business before pleasure.

What's the most popular recording of the William Walton viola concerto? Music Minus One

What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

What is the range of a Viola? As far as you can kick it.

What do a SCUD missile and a viola player have in common? They're both offensive and inaccurate.

Why are violas so large? It's an optical illusion. It's not that the violas are large; just that the viola players' heads are so small.

What's the difference between a chain saw and a viola? If you absolutely had to, you could use a chain saw in a string quartet. What is the definition of a cluster chord? A viola section playing on the C string.

Why do violists get antsy when they see the Kama Sutra? All those positions! If you're lost in the desert, what do you aim for? A good viola player, a bad viola player or an oasis? The bad viola player. The other two are only figments of your imagination.

Why shouldn't you drive off a cliff in a mini with three violas in it? You could fit in at least one more. How many violists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. They're not small enough to fit.

Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a violin case? They think he's carrying a machine gun and might be about to use it.

Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a viola case? They think he's carrying a viola and might be about to use it.

What's the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section? half a measure a semi-tone Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording? Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.

Did you hear about the violist who bragged that he could play 32nd notes? The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.

Why is viola called "bratsche" in Germany? Because that's the sound it makes when you sit down on it.

Why can't a violist play with a knife in his back? Because he can't lean back in his chair. What instrument do violists envy most? The harp. You only ever have to play pizzicato on open strings.

What's another name for viola auditions? Scratch lottery. What is the difference between a violist and a prostitute? A prostitute knows more than two positions. Prostitutes have a better sense of rhythm.

What is the similarity between a violist and a prostitute? Both are paid to fake climaxes.

How do you get a dozen violists to play in tune? Shoot 11 of them. Shoot all of them.Who the hell wants a dozen violists?

What's the latest crime wave in New York City?Drive-by viola recitals.

How does aviolist's brain cell die? Alone. How do you call a violist with two brain cells? Pregnant.

Why do violists have pea-sized brains? Because alcohol has swelled them.

How many violists does it take to make a batch of chocolate chip cookies? Ten. One to stir the batter and nine to peel the M & M's.

What's the similarity between the Beatles and the viola section of the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra? Neither has played together since 1970.

What is the longest viola joke? Harold in Italy

What do you call a bunch of violists in a hot tub? Vegetable soup.

Did you hear about the violist who played in tune? Neither did I. What is the main reqirement at the "International Viola Competition?" Hold the viola from memory.

Why did the violist marry the accordion player? Upward mobility.

How do you transcribe a violin piece for viola? Divide the metronome marking by 2.

Why do you always bury a viola player three feet under? Because deep down they are all very nice people.

How do you keep a violist from drowning? Take your foot off his head. Note: the following joke is very funny in German, but doesn't translate well into English.
Was sind die drei Lagen auf der Bratsche? Erste Lage, Notlage, und Niederlage. (What are the three positions of the viola? First position, emergency, and defeat.) Viola Jokes (part 1) http://bit.ly/oeLLhd